Old blog, new blog

I am going to be starting a new blog. I want one that is dedicated to my life with CF, especially with me going for a lung transplant evaluation very soon. I made this with the intention to keep up with my photography projects, but got way to busy to keep up, then sadly because of my health- photography has been placed on the back burner for the meantime. I will keep this blog to update about family- and I will make sure to post the link to my other one here soon.

I am in the hospital again. So I will have plenty of time to start a new blog! I will be here a minimum of 2 weeks.

A lot has changed since last spring. I feel that I could write a book on my life over the past 8 months or so- a best seller at that! I have lost family (not through death, through them choosing to let me go again), I have been well, I have been sick, I have helped my sis plan some of her wedding, I have cooked new recipes, my baby girl turned 5, I turned 31, I saw my little boy off to the 2nd grade and my baby girl off to pre-k, I had the doctor appointment I have dreaded my whole life, I am scheduled to start pulmonary rehab, and the words double lung transplant were used at my annual appointment.. Life is going so crazy fast, or should I say scary fast? I learned life is too short not to forgive and not to love-- but also that I do not want to beg to be loved by someone who does not really want to love me.

I am so tired and sick from the medications right now--- that this post will have to be a teaser and short. You have my word that I will once again return!

I am so sad.

I hate CF. I hate leaving my husband and kids. This is going to be a rough couple of weeks- but I am keeping my eye on the prize, that is how great I should feel this summer! With only a few weeks left of school for the munchkins, I must get myself in shape to have loads of fun with them over break.

So, I am headed into the hospital for a few weeks. And that is the last place I ever want to be. If you think about it, say a prayer for me- and an extra one for Caleb and Addy. They were both having a hard time with this last night. It is hard to explain to a almost 5 and 7 year old that this is going to be a good thing, when all they are thinking about is mommy going away again.

I am strong-- I can do this.

Will it ever end?

I haven't written in awhile. I don't even know what to write anymore. Every single time I open this page- I draw a blank.

I have now been in the hospital for 13 days, 9 hours, 23 minutes. I was told that I should go home on February 8th. Now it looks like I will be here for at least another week.

I am tired. I am depressed. I am so very homesick. I miss my babies and husband more than I could ever put into words. I feel gross. My skin is hospital dry. My heart feels sad. I feel like nobody even cares that I am here. The world just keeps going on while I am trapped inside these 4 miserable walls. If you haven't noticed the theme to my blog post, I am close to my breaking point. Actually, I do not blame you for not reading past this point- or any point above this sentence. I am just using this as a therapy and I am writing as real and raw as my feelings are.

I did not realize just how sick I was. I was a very sick girl. Very sick. My infection had grown out of control and we were trying to treat it with medications that were obviously not working. They may have kept symptoms at bay- but they were not getting rid of any infection. When I arrived at the hospital I could hardly breath. My fingernails were blue (ish). My o2 was low, low, low. My fevers were high, high, high. My cough was nasty. I was in bad shape.There was no home IV antibiotics this time. Actually, I do not even think I could have done them at home if I wanted to. I could hardly stay awake because of how low my oxygen was. I cam in sleeping almost 18 hours a day. Again, talk about sick. I was crying constantly. I was (and still am) an emotional roller coaster. I was having multiple anxiety attacks a day. I was scared. Terrified. I couldn't catch my breath. I couldn't breath. I felt like I was drowning. I was drowning- in my own mucus. My joints were on fire. I couldn't walk. I had to scoot and limp everywhere. I could hardly walk from the couch to the toilet and back. I was sick, sick, sick. If anyone is even reading still, I think you get the point. I was sick.

Now I sit here in my hospital room. Good old room number 6229. Yes, that would be the crappiest room on the floor. It has the oldest piece of crap TV. The lights are all screwed up. And the volume on the television is either non-existence or blaring loud. I am so bored. I am also so depressed. I don't feel like talking to anybody- but that does not even matter because I honestly don't think many people even care that I am here. Hellloooo. Is anyone out there? Does anyone care that I have been here for 2 weeks already? I am just shocked at how few visitors, cards, ect, I have received. I guess 30 years is just too long to be sick. Does anyone care that I am so freaking sick of this. I am so sick of this disease. I am sick of Cystic Fibrosis. I am sick of what it does to me, my family, and my friends. I really need a hug. A big hug. One of those healing hugs that temporarily take away all of the pain, sadness, and worries.

I started a fundraising page a few weeks ago. I cannot afford to have CF anymore not that I ever could, but I can't now more than ever)/ I need a miracle. Gosh, this is so hard to write while crying. Why can't I stop crying? My eyes are burning as I type- so please forgive me if this makes no sense. I need money. I really need money. I need help. I need a miracle. I have been so sick this past year and owe on a lot of medical bills. I am now just adding to that with this most recent stay. Now would be the time for someone to tell me that I am really an heir to some huge corporation, or that I have a relative that left me a nice chunk of money--- or even someone to step up and say, I want to help this girl out. Anyone? Any takers? I know, so far fetched, but it is the only hope I have to hold onto.

Just because I have CF does not mean that the rest of my family's needs go away. My children still need clothes, food, heat, a roof over their head, shampoo--- we still have other bills, and CF is not cheap. My meds cost us a small fortune. I have not been on vacation in 3 years....we so desperately need a vacation, but there is no way we are even close to being able to afford one. Oh, I could go on forever, but I won't, I will stop.

On a positive note, I am feeling the best I have in MONTHS. Seriously. I am feeling really good. I am going to be able to be a real mom and wife when I get home. That gives me joy.

So, if you read this whole thing (wow, you must be really bored!) and you feel at all encouraged to help me out, check out this link and you can donate to my medical expenses. You can donate with a credit card. Thank you everyone who already has helped me. I am so humbled by the love, support, and prayers that so many people have given to me.

Click here to help me

**I promise that I will cheer up** I am just in a bad place of my life right now.

In the hospital again

I am sick in the hospital again. I am at 

Akron Children's Hospital
1 Perkins Square
Akron, Ohio 44308

RM#6229

Same as last time. High fever, lung infection, sleeping all of the time. I will try to return phone calls and messages when I start feeling better. I will be here for awhile. I WILL get better this time. I refuse to keep getting sick like this!!!

For more updates please check out:             Click right here to get more updates on Christina

In the hospital again

I am very sick. I will be spending Christmas in a hospital bed. I am at Akron Children's, Rm 6220. I am not allowed visitors until my stats become more stable. That may be awhile. I was a lot sicker than I thought.

This is not how I planned to spend Christmas. I am so bummed.

I just wanted to keep everyone updated on what is going on.

I have a high fever that I cannot break, low oxygen stats, and lots of vomiting  My chest xray looks a lot worse than it did in August- with more mucus plugs. I have a little bit of a recovery road ahead of me.

Merry Christmas everyone.. My mom is up here with me- she brought me a gift. How very sweet of her!

Ignore the sick looking girl who desperately needs a hair stylist and manicure. Those should be required at hospital stays! LOL

I am very sad that I have to miss santa in the morning with my kids. They are coming up to see me as soon as they are allowed.

Merry Christmas...almost!!

Merry Christmas! We are getting ready here in the Sommers' house. Between me being sick- Caleb being sick- Ross being sick- then Caleb and I getting sick again...it  has been quite the fun house! The only only who has escaped with just a little cough has been Adalyn! Lucky girl!!

Tomorrow is the last day of school for the kids for two whole weeks! I am excited to get to spend some much needed, quality family time. Let the countdown to Christmas Day begin!

Nana and Doc sent up huge boxes full of love and Christmas gifts. The kids could hardly contain their excitement. Because these are such special gifts chosen specifically for them, from very special people, I wanted to make sure that the gifts were not lost in the mix of Christmas day and "Santa" gifts. I wanted the kids to understand who they were from and to really get to appreciate and enjoy the toys! I decided that this year they would open one gift every night until Christmas Eve. It is so much fun to watch them choose so carefully which one to open!!

Look at these smiles!! Priceless!

If you happen to still get on here and read this nana, thank you for sending so much happiness and love this Christmas to Ohio! I will be calling as soon as I get my "voice" back!! I lost it with my most recent cough/cold again! Love ya!

Belk's wishlist

Alright- So I have been perusing Belk's website and making a wish list of the things I am in love with!! I really wish I had a Belk here in Ohio. Everything posted here is sold at Belks.

Bonnie Jean- Mesh Bubble Dress size 5

Bonnie Jean- Silver Wave size 5

Bonnie Jean- Satin Social size 5

Bonnie Jean- Snowman Fleece size 5

Bonnie Jean- Tree Corduroy size 5

Marmellata Classics Snowman Smock size 5

Good Lad Cable Sweater Set size 7

Kitestrings Flat Front Pants size 7

I had to make this photo XL so you can see how cute the little penguins are!! Caleb loves penguins!

Kitestrings Plaid Button front shirt size 7

Red Sweater Vest size 7

pants size 7

shirt size 7

size 7

size 7

size 7

 what Christina likes:

ECI New York Belted Jumper size 6

And I desperately need these shoes!!!

Holy Smokes- I am in love. We do not have ANYTHING like these up here!!!! I would wear them everyday! LOL

aren't these the greatest??????

                         Michael Kors Eboni Platform Bootie size 8.5

My dream purses!!!

Coach Madison Graphic Mettalic Isabelle

and Coach Legacy Texture leather duffle silver/graphite/berry

Michael Kors Jet Set small travel tote purple

Sperry top-sider angelfish boat shoe- leopard pony

sherling liner to keep my Ohio toes warm

size 8.5

And for Ross:

Under Armour Tech Fleece Hoodie- Size L (Ohio State Colors Red/gray/black)

Under Armour Charged Cotton Storm Fleece Hoodie- Size L

Size L

Under Armour Track pants- size L

Men's Pajamas Nautica Masthead flannel- size L

Waffle knit cotton crew neck thermal- Size L

I just posted photos of the types of things we wish for- obviously gifts we do not buy for ourselves. I also still love Victorias Secret, The Limited, and Express Clothing stores. 

First day of school!

First Day of school: Pre-K and First grade!!

I am 30...what?!?!?

Here I am; I have made it. I am now a 30 year old woman! 30 years young. Thirty. 30. The magical age I was never "supposed" to see. As of August 14, in the wee hours of the morning, I left my twenties behind me.

I feel so very grateful. Wow. 30. That will take a little getting used to saying. Not that I expected to wake-up Tuesday morning feeling older, looking older, or being any more wiser....just saying.
As I reflect on my past, and think about my future, I realize just how far I have come and how much more of a person I want to be.

I want to slow down and enjoy the small, happy moments in life.

I want to hug more, forgive more, and laugh more.

I want to stand-up for myself more.

I want to give more.

I want to love more.

I want to stop wasting my time on people who don't care, and give more to the people in my life who do.

I want to cherish each and every blessing given to me.

Many of my family and friends celebrated this landmark birthday with me. And for that I am beyond appreciative. The phone rang all day with well wishes and people stopped by. I took in every single moment. Thank you everyone for making my day so special.

PS: For those of you who are praying for my "big" news this Monday....thank you! I will try my best to keep you guys updated!

Friendships?

At what point in a relationship or friendship do you throw in the towel and accept that what once was, or what you once hoped it would become, is no longer? I have a few people that fall into this category in my life. Most of the relationship is one-sided. I make all of the effort and feel that I am more vested emotionally.

I make most, if not all of the phone calls. I write most, if not all of the e-mails. I make most, if not all of the attempt. I am the one holding the friendship together. Me of all people understand how busy life can get and how time can get away. On the other hand, I do not want to maintain relationships in my life that are solely reliant on only me keeping contact. Does this make any sense? I love people. I dearly love all of my friends and family in my life. Each one holds a special place in my heart. Some I know we will go months without talking, but can pick-up right where we left off when life calms down. I am not talking about these friendships, but the ones that I feel I am chasing. You know, the ones that I don't talk to ever unless I make the call. 

I guess the answer may be just that. If the relationship is that easy to walk away from, I should not be wasting my time on it and just accept that it wasn't meant to be. Right? I know that sometimes people just grow apart or were never that close to begin with. I know it is nothing to be taken personally, and that if it were meant to be, than it would be.

This is a serious question to my readers. I would love comments on this one! How do you handle one-sided friendships?

Oh my goodness. I just realized that in LESS thank a month, on June 12, my baby girl will be turning 4? Holy smokes. That is just unreal to me. Where has time gone?

In the middle of even some of the most difficult, trying times, there will still always be a reason to smile. I have never allowed myself to linger around in negative thinking for too long- life is way to short for that.

Have I ever mentioned how absolutely wonderful my husband is? He is my whole world (along with my kids of course), my very best friend, the perfect balance to complete me. In my last post I focused so much on me, that I neglected to mention that my whole family has been completely stressed. He has not been excluded from the chaos.

Bless his heart. My husband has worked his rear-end off to provide for our family. He is such a great man. He knows that most of the medical bills that come in are because of me, but has never said a word. Thinking of my husband brings a huge smile to my face. Our 8 year anniversary is coming up next month- and they have honestly been the best years of my life-hard times and all-because he has been standing by my side. I just love my man.

Other smile moments-Spending quality time with a great friend (who also happens to be my brother's girlfriend). She fits into our family so perfectly, she is family now. I love her like a sister and feel like I have known her my whole life. Good coffee + beautiful evening + girl talk = pure bliss.

Needless to say, my spirits have been lifted and I am now smiling large. Sometimes I can tend to get caught up in the little annoyances of life and forget about the true meaning: love, sharing happiness, laughter, family, friends, and just being grateful to be alive.

Other smiles include:

Watching my six year old son so proudly riding his bike without training wheels.

My daughter wrapping her little hands around my neck 30+ times a day, telling me that I am her best friend and just how much she loves me.

Giggles every night before bedtime reading silly stories and my kids begging for "just one more".

Tickling.

The warm sunshine and tons of water balloons!

And...the smell of freshly mowed grass being tracked across my kitchen floor by teeny-tiny little muddy feet (In search of another "Uncle Matt" red, white, and blue Popsicle).

Yes, life has thrown some curve-balls, but it has also gotten a few things right!

PS: My apologies for a PMS fueled, off the rocker rant yesterday. :)

Major Vent

So, it has been awhile. I guess I have avoided writing much since I feel like every time I do it is so depressing. I was recently given the advice to use my blog as a way to vent, or as a type of therapy. So I apologize in advance for this downer post and I hope it leads to so happier ones in the near future.

I have had a very, extremely rough year. It is safe to say that this has not been "my" year. There have been some happy times and blessings, but for the most part...it has been hard, very hard. I am not going to get into the nitty-gritty details....I do not have the energy too. I am going to vent about my most recent frustration, money.

I know they say that money cannot buy you happiness. That is very true. But unfortunately, money is needed for most things in life. I hate being buried under piles and piles of medical bills that I am unsure of how I will pay. I hate the very fact that I already have to deal with the everyday struggles of CF and I have to literally pay for it too. We are not at the point of "living under a bridge and eating crackers every night for dinner" broke, but life is hard right now. We are struggling to make ends meet. I need relief. I need a break. I feel like I can never get ahead. I do not have the money to even buy shorts that fit for the summer. I know that sounds so ridiculously petty, but it isn't when you work so hard to gain a few pounds and nothing fits.

I am trying my very best to live with a contagious smile of my face and to count my blessings daily...I really am. I thank God for somehow providing for us this far. Without him I do not know where I would be...but I am still waiting for a miracle. A random winning lottery ticket, a cancelled bill, a windfall of cash, something, ha ha! I know, I know. That is not how life works, but I sure do wish.

I feel like I have spent my whole life waiting for my turn. My turn to have it easy for awhile. My turn to not have the worry of money. I have never had it easy. I was raised in a home where money was not easily come by (and my parents worked their rear-ends off for our family, which I will forever admire). I have never really had the "finer" things in life. I am not even asking for that. I just want a little blessing. Some help. Someone to spoil me a little. It is hard to be invited to go out shopping with the girls and to not have any money to spend. It is hard to always be the broke one. Thank you freaking CF for doing this to me. Thank you for such expensive life sustaining medications that I cannot afford. Thank you for constant co-pays and Dr. fees. Thank you for expensive daily high calorie foods just to gain a half of a pound. Thank you for robbing my family of the money we could use to do something fun. Thank you for changing my bra size every other week. Thank you for taking all my money so I have to wear bras that do not fit. Thank you for the constant financial strain. Is it too much to ask for a break???!!!

Money is the root of all evil. I can see that. I guess I must be pure good because I do not have ANY evil.

My dream? To receive a few thousand dollars that I can just have fun with. Who doesn't want that? But in all reality if I ever did receive any money, I would have to pay bills with it. It makes me so sad. Is this life? I know it is for a lot of people, but I get so sick and tired of watching other's who can buy clothes, go shopping, take a day out with their family, etc. I am sick of watching cousins and friends who get help/money from parents, grandparents, etc. for college, car insurance, clothes, food, living, etc. Spoiled, un-thankful people who always have a bail out. I don't do drugs. I don't get into trouble. I have spent my whole life being good and trying my best. Is this my reward? Where is my bail out? I get so tired of hearing about how everyone else is getting help...but me. I know. Woe is me. At least I can say that I have worked my ass off for everything I own. I could cry. I feel like I got the shittiest hand when it comes to my personal life. But on the other hand, I got the best. I have two beautiful children full of love, a wonderful husband, friends and family to love me, and a roof over my head. I know to good that I have, but I just needed a selfish vent.
That is my vent for today. I have been in a lot of pain this weekend, so I am going to hobble up to my bed and take a nap. I like this venting thing, I think I am feeling better already.

Update....finally?!

It has been a long time since I have updated. Partially because I have been so busy, and partially because I haven't had much to say.

These past few months have been a bit crazy for me. I have had my usual "winter" sick, except this time it came in longer bouts and with a lot more weight loss. I am now feeling pretty great, just very under-weight and weak. I am slowly building up both- my energy and calorie intake. It is frustrating. I would think it would be similar to when an overweight person works so hard to get to their goal weight, and when they finally achieve it, they get sick (or lazy) and gain it ALL back. Gaining weight for me is just as hard. I have to take in almost 5,000 calories a day to gain an average of 1-2 lbs a week. The bummer is- like the overweight person- I have literally NO clothes that fit me. I stupidly got rid of all my size 2 jeans after I gained that 25lbs last year, and there is NO way I can wear my size 6 jeans right now. They slide right off- or look extremely silly even with a belt. I refuse to buy new pants. I will gain the weight back and then be able to wear my old ones (or then buy new ones to celebrate!!!)

Other health, we have had some other crazy life things going on....and for once, everything has finally seemed to slow down. We have had beautiful weather this past week, the sun has been shining, and my kids are happier than ever. We are so excited about Easter and Caleb's spring break coming up soon.  I hope to have a lot of family fun that week!

My mom is now feeling pretty good- and everyone else is doing just fine! The kids are spending this weekend in Columbus with their grandparents, so Ross and I have the WHOLE weekend to ourselves. I think we are going to have some fun too! Haven't decided yet....but we will find something!

I promise to try and keep this updated more often! I hope this finds all of my family and friends well!

My people pleasing addiction...

I have, for as long as I can remember, been a people pleaser. The very thought that someone does not like me, or the feeling of conflict, makes my palms sweaty. I have spent years bending over backwards to make sure that everyone I come across has a favorable opinion of me, and is happy. I struggle saying the word no. I want to be liked. I want to be loved. If I upset someone, disagree with them, or can't meet expectations, I feel like a failure. I have spent many years not feeling "good enough". I try and try and try. Yet I keep failing. Due to some recent events in my life I have had an epiphany. I have been driving myself bananas trying to please everyone else, and this has at times been at the expense of being fair to myself. I have been hurt in this process, and live with unnecessary guilt.

I will never make everyone happy. It is OK for people not to like me! I should not live my life within inches of an emotional breakdown. If I am trying to please every friend, family member, and person I pass on the street, than I can't be present for my husband and children. And I certainly can't be present for God. Pleasing Him needs to come first in my life. Next is focusing my energy on the needs of my husband and kids before anyone else. These three people are, and should be, my number one priority.

Back to my epiphany.

I have done everything for everyone, even when it has made me unhappy. I have been craving and seeking unconditional love and approval- but I am looking in the wrong places. I fear being rejected. I do believe that this stems from my childhood and not understanding why certain people were never present in my life. (although that is a completely different blog post! Do not get me wrong. I have an amazing mom and dad who gave me lots of love, support, and happiness, and still do.) I have always wanted to be seen as the "nice girl", and have preferred that everyone else gets their needs met without conflict. I want to get along with everyone! I have recently realized that no matter how hard I try to make everyone else happy, I will still be left feeling empty. But, not anymore. I am taking control over my own life and I am setting up boundaries. I am giving myself permission to say no. God is the source of my identity. It is not easy if it means others may not understand, stand in judgment, shake their heads, or pull away. But I want my whole being to magnify Him and I know that will never truly happen if I hide behind my people pleasing ways.

So...meet the new and improved Christina! Warning: I now say NO!


“Oh, Lord, let me only want to please You, putting You first. Show me how I can grow in You and how You can be glorified, before I am lured or tempted to please someone else at your expense. Lord, set me free to be who you truly created me to be. To say yes only when it is in line with your word and Your purpose for my life, not necessarily someone else's purpose. To have the courage to say NO, or wait, or not yet, if I am unsure, or to say no if I truly know in my heart, based on Your Word, that NO needs to be the answer. Help me to be a true warrior for you, Lord. Beautiful and feminine, but STRONG. And help me to truly know the individual soul that You gave me, so that in “truth and Spirit” my soul may glorify you!” Amen

Day two

Day two of my new workout was equally as hard. Not much else to say on that one, except I sure hope it is true the whole "No Pain, No Gain" saying!

I had a wonderful surprise visit from my grandpa this evening, and he came bearing the sweetest little gift and most beautiful card for me to celebrate my birthday! Have I mentioned lately just how blessed I am to have so many people love me!? I am thinking that I am going to combine my birthday money and gift cards to buy some fall clothes from Victoria Secrets and Express this year. I think between my birthday and a few bucks I have been saving this summer...I should be able to get some pretty cute things from the new NFL line! Go Browns!!!!

So....

It is no secret that I have had a really rough 2011 so far. Many ups and downs. With all of this chaos, I have not had much time- or maybe I have not made much time- to workout. I have never been big on exercise. I know that it is a crucial part of living a healthy life, but it is just so darn hard. I would hands down rather curl up on the couch with a movie and bag of chips instead of run a mile or two on the treadmill. In the past I have never stuck with a program long enough for it to make a difference.

You can say it is because of my recent 29th birthday. Maybe I have gotten a little wiser with age. But this time I decided it is now or never....and I am going to make it now! I have been working out for two days now and I DO feel the pain!

I am on a quest to complete the Jillian Michaels: Ripped in 30.

WOW. This is going to be a little more difficult than I thought! But I will prevail! I will keep you all updated on my progress.

My goals are to be stronger, healthier, and have more energy.

"A year from now you will wish you had started today." Karen Lamb

Lion's Festival

...And this is how I spent MY 29th birthday! We took the kids to the local Lion's Festival and had a blast! Both Caleb and Addy are old enough to ride most of the rides now...and they loved them! We ate all kinds of wonderful, fried, yummy food....and then topped it off with caramel apples and cotton candy.