Major Vent

So, it has been awhile. I guess I have avoided writing much since I feel like every time I do it is so depressing. I was recently given the advice to use my blog as a way to vent, or as a type of therapy. So I apologize in advance for this downer post and I hope it leads to so happier ones in the near future.

I have had a very, extremely rough year. It is safe to say that this has not been "my" year. There have been some happy times and blessings, but for the most part...it has been hard, very hard. I am not going to get into the nitty-gritty details....I do not have the energy too. I am going to vent about my most recent frustration, money.

I know they say that money cannot buy you happiness. That is very true. But unfortunately, money is needed for most things in life. I hate being buried under piles and piles of medical bills that I am unsure of how I will pay. I hate the very fact that I already have to deal with the everyday struggles of CF and I have to literally pay for it too. We are not at the point of "living under a bridge and eating crackers every night for dinner" broke, but life is hard right now. We are struggling to make ends meet. I need relief. I need a break. I feel like I can never get ahead. I do not have the money to even buy shorts that fit for the summer. I know that sounds so ridiculously petty, but it isn't when you work so hard to gain a few pounds and nothing fits.

I am trying my very best to live with a contagious smile of my face and to count my blessings daily...I really am. I thank God for somehow providing for us this far. Without him I do not know where I would be...but I am still waiting for a miracle. A random winning lottery ticket, a cancelled bill, a windfall of cash, something, ha ha! I know, I know. That is not how life works, but I sure do wish.

I feel like I have spent my whole life waiting for my turn. My turn to have it easy for awhile. My turn to not have the worry of money. I have never had it easy. I was raised in a home where money was not easily come by (and my parents worked their rear-ends off for our family, which I will forever admire). I have never really had the "finer" things in life. I am not even asking for that. I just want a little blessing. Some help. Someone to spoil me a little. It is hard to be invited to go out shopping with the girls and to not have any money to spend. It is hard to always be the broke one. Thank you freaking CF for doing this to me. Thank you for such expensive life sustaining medications that I cannot afford. Thank you for constant co-pays and Dr. fees. Thank you for expensive daily high calorie foods just to gain a half of a pound. Thank you for robbing my family of the money we could use to do something fun. Thank you for changing my bra size every other week. Thank you for taking all my money so I have to wear bras that do not fit. Thank you for the constant financial strain. Is it too much to ask for a break???!!!

Money is the root of all evil. I can see that. I guess I must be pure good because I do not have ANY evil.

My dream? To receive a few thousand dollars that I can just have fun with. Who doesn't want that? But in all reality if I ever did receive any money, I would have to pay bills with it. It makes me so sad. Is this life? I know it is for a lot of people, but I get so sick and tired of watching other's who can buy clothes, go shopping, take a day out with their family, etc. I am sick of watching cousins and friends who get help/money from parents, grandparents, etc. for college, car insurance, clothes, food, living, etc. Spoiled, un-thankful people who always have a bail out. I don't do drugs. I don't get into trouble. I have spent my whole life being good and trying my best. Is this my reward? Where is my bail out? I get so tired of hearing about how everyone else is getting help...but me. I know. Woe is me. At least I can say that I have worked my ass off for everything I own. I could cry. I feel like I got the shittiest hand when it comes to my personal life. But on the other hand, I got the best. I have two beautiful children full of love, a wonderful husband, friends and family to love me, and a roof over my head. I know to good that I have, but I just needed a selfish vent.
That is my vent for today. I have been in a lot of pain this weekend, so I am going to hobble up to my bed and take a nap. I like this venting thing, I think I am feeling better already.