Update....finally?!

It has been a long time since I have updated. Partially because I have been so busy, and partially because I haven't had much to say.

These past few months have been a bit crazy for me. I have had my usual "winter" sick, except this time it came in longer bouts and with a lot more weight loss. I am now feeling pretty great, just very under-weight and weak. I am slowly building up both- my energy and calorie intake. It is frustrating. I would think it would be similar to when an overweight person works so hard to get to their goal weight, and when they finally achieve it, they get sick (or lazy) and gain it ALL back. Gaining weight for me is just as hard. I have to take in almost 5,000 calories a day to gain an average of 1-2 lbs a week. The bummer is- like the overweight person- I have literally NO clothes that fit me. I stupidly got rid of all my size 2 jeans after I gained that 25lbs last year, and there is NO way I can wear my size 6 jeans right now. They slide right off- or look extremely silly even with a belt. I refuse to buy new pants. I will gain the weight back and then be able to wear my old ones (or then buy new ones to celebrate!!!)

Other health, we have had some other crazy life things going on....and for once, everything has finally seemed to slow down. We have had beautiful weather this past week, the sun has been shining, and my kids are happier than ever. We are so excited about Easter and Caleb's spring break coming up soon.  I hope to have a lot of family fun that week!

My mom is now feeling pretty good- and everyone else is doing just fine! The kids are spending this weekend in Columbus with their grandparents, so Ross and I have the WHOLE weekend to ourselves. I think we are going to have some fun too! Haven't decided yet....but we will find something!

I promise to try and keep this updated more often! I hope this finds all of my family and friends well!

My people pleasing addiction...

I have, for as long as I can remember, been a people pleaser. The very thought that someone does not like me, or the feeling of conflict, makes my palms sweaty. I have spent years bending over backwards to make sure that everyone I come across has a favorable opinion of me, and is happy. I struggle saying the word no. I want to be liked. I want to be loved. If I upset someone, disagree with them, or can't meet expectations, I feel like a failure. I have spent many years not feeling "good enough". I try and try and try. Yet I keep failing. Due to some recent events in my life I have had an epiphany. I have been driving myself bananas trying to please everyone else, and this has at times been at the expense of being fair to myself. I have been hurt in this process, and live with unnecessary guilt.

I will never make everyone happy. It is OK for people not to like me! I should not live my life within inches of an emotional breakdown. If I am trying to please every friend, family member, and person I pass on the street, than I can't be present for my husband and children. And I certainly can't be present for God. Pleasing Him needs to come first in my life. Next is focusing my energy on the needs of my husband and kids before anyone else. These three people are, and should be, my number one priority.

Back to my epiphany.

I have done everything for everyone, even when it has made me unhappy. I have been craving and seeking unconditional love and approval- but I am looking in the wrong places. I fear being rejected. I do believe that this stems from my childhood and not understanding why certain people were never present in my life. (although that is a completely different blog post! Do not get me wrong. I have an amazing mom and dad who gave me lots of love, support, and happiness, and still do.) I have always wanted to be seen as the "nice girl", and have preferred that everyone else gets their needs met without conflict. I want to get along with everyone! I have recently realized that no matter how hard I try to make everyone else happy, I will still be left feeling empty. But, not anymore. I am taking control over my own life and I am setting up boundaries. I am giving myself permission to say no. God is the source of my identity. It is not easy if it means others may not understand, stand in judgment, shake their heads, or pull away. But I want my whole being to magnify Him and I know that will never truly happen if I hide behind my people pleasing ways.

So...meet the new and improved Christina! Warning: I now say NO!


“Oh, Lord, let me only want to please You, putting You first. Show me how I can grow in You and how You can be glorified, before I am lured or tempted to please someone else at your expense. Lord, set me free to be who you truly created me to be. To say yes only when it is in line with your word and Your purpose for my life, not necessarily someone else's purpose. To have the courage to say NO, or wait, or not yet, if I am unsure, or to say no if I truly know in my heart, based on Your Word, that NO needs to be the answer. Help me to be a true warrior for you, Lord. Beautiful and feminine, but STRONG. And help me to truly know the individual soul that You gave me, so that in “truth and Spirit” my soul may glorify you!” Amen

Day two

Day two of my new workout was equally as hard. Not much else to say on that one, except I sure hope it is true the whole "No Pain, No Gain" saying!

I had a wonderful surprise visit from my grandpa this evening, and he came bearing the sweetest little gift and most beautiful card for me to celebrate my birthday! Have I mentioned lately just how blessed I am to have so many people love me!? I am thinking that I am going to combine my birthday money and gift cards to buy some fall clothes from Victoria Secrets and Express this year. I think between my birthday and a few bucks I have been saving this summer...I should be able to get some pretty cute things from the new NFL line! Go Browns!!!!

So....

It is no secret that I have had a really rough 2011 so far. Many ups and downs. With all of this chaos, I have not had much time- or maybe I have not made much time- to workout. I have never been big on exercise. I know that it is a crucial part of living a healthy life, but it is just so darn hard. I would hands down rather curl up on the couch with a movie and bag of chips instead of run a mile or two on the treadmill. In the past I have never stuck with a program long enough for it to make a difference.

You can say it is because of my recent 29th birthday. Maybe I have gotten a little wiser with age. But this time I decided it is now or never....and I am going to make it now! I have been working out for two days now and I DO feel the pain!

I am on a quest to complete the Jillian Michaels: Ripped in 30.

WOW. This is going to be a little more difficult than I thought! But I will prevail! I will keep you all updated on my progress.

My goals are to be stronger, healthier, and have more energy.

"A year from now you will wish you had started today." Karen Lamb

Lion's Festival

...And this is how I spent MY 29th birthday! We took the kids to the local Lion's Festival and had a blast! Both Caleb and Addy are old enough to ride most of the rides now...and they loved them! We ate all kinds of wonderful, fried, yummy food....and then topped it off with caramel apples and cotton candy.

Extra Snuggles

Caleb asked me to cuddle a little with him tonight in his bed. Of course I very happily snuggled up right next to him. I am always up for a few extra hugs and kisses. Holding my not so baby- baby boy- in my arms made me a little teary eyed, I must admit. The snuggles from him are becoming fewer and further between, he is becoming so independent, and is growing just a little too fast for my preference. I cannot believe in less than a month he will officially be a kindergartner, heading off to school everyday, learning all kinds of new things, and exploring this big and amazing world. I could of held him forever, and I may just have if I didn't have to hook-up my IV meds for the night. Tonight was a great reminder for me to slow down, enjoy every single moment, and really take the time to cherish my time with my babies. Time just seems to pass us by so quickly!

Have I mentioned lately just how blessed I really am, and how much I love my family?! They really are my world and give me so much happiness. Pure, true, raw happiness.

Feeling better

Finally, I am starting to feel a little better. Medications are working, rest is helping, and I am so ready to be done with all of this....but not for another week and a half yet. 

Thank you for your prayers.

Things are looking up.