My people pleasing addiction...

I have, for as long as I can remember, been a people pleaser. The very thought that someone does not like me, or the feeling of conflict, makes my palms sweaty. I have spent years bending over backwards to make sure that everyone I come across has a favorable opinion of me, and is happy. I struggle saying the word no. I want to be liked. I want to be loved. If I upset someone, disagree with them, or can't meet expectations, I feel like a failure. I have spent many years not feeling "good enough". I try and try and try. Yet I keep failing. Due to some recent events in my life I have had an epiphany. I have been driving myself bananas trying to please everyone else, and this has at times been at the expense of being fair to myself. I have been hurt in this process, and live with unnecessary guilt.

I will never make everyone happy. It is OK for people not to like me! I should not live my life within inches of an emotional breakdown. If I am trying to please every friend, family member, and person I pass on the street, than I can't be present for my husband and children. And I certainly can't be present for God. Pleasing Him needs to come first in my life. Next is focusing my energy on the needs of my husband and kids before anyone else. These three people are, and should be, my number one priority.

Back to my epiphany.

I have done everything for everyone, even when it has made me unhappy. I have been craving and seeking unconditional love and approval- but I am looking in the wrong places. I fear being rejected. I do believe that this stems from my childhood and not understanding why certain people were never present in my life. (although that is a completely different blog post! Do not get me wrong. I have an amazing mom and dad who gave me lots of love, support, and happiness, and still do.) I have always wanted to be seen as the "nice girl", and have preferred that everyone else gets their needs met without conflict. I want to get along with everyone! I have recently realized that no matter how hard I try to make everyone else happy, I will still be left feeling empty. But, not anymore. I am taking control over my own life and I am setting up boundaries. I am giving myself permission to say no. God is the source of my identity. It is not easy if it means others may not understand, stand in judgment, shake their heads, or pull away. But I want my whole being to magnify Him and I know that will never truly happen if I hide behind my people pleasing ways.

So...meet the new and improved Christina! Warning: I now say NO!


“Oh, Lord, let me only want to please You, putting You first. Show me how I can grow in You and how You can be glorified, before I am lured or tempted to please someone else at your expense. Lord, set me free to be who you truly created me to be. To say yes only when it is in line with your word and Your purpose for my life, not necessarily someone else's purpose. To have the courage to say NO, or wait, or not yet, if I am unsure, or to say no if I truly know in my heart, based on Your Word, that NO needs to be the answer. Help me to be a true warrior for you, Lord. Beautiful and feminine, but STRONG. And help me to truly know the individual soul that You gave me, so that in “truth and Spirit” my soul may glorify you!” Amen

Day two

Day two of my new workout was equally as hard. Not much else to say on that one, except I sure hope it is true the whole "No Pain, No Gain" saying!

I had a wonderful surprise visit from my grandpa this evening, and he came bearing the sweetest little gift and most beautiful card for me to celebrate my birthday! Have I mentioned lately just how blessed I am to have so many people love me!? I am thinking that I am going to combine my birthday money and gift cards to buy some fall clothes from Victoria Secrets and Express this year. I think between my birthday and a few bucks I have been saving this summer...I should be able to get some pretty cute things from the new NFL line! Go Browns!!!!

So....

It is no secret that I have had a really rough 2011 so far. Many ups and downs. With all of this chaos, I have not had much time- or maybe I have not made much time- to workout. I have never been big on exercise. I know that it is a crucial part of living a healthy life, but it is just so darn hard. I would hands down rather curl up on the couch with a movie and bag of chips instead of run a mile or two on the treadmill. In the past I have never stuck with a program long enough for it to make a difference.

You can say it is because of my recent 29th birthday. Maybe I have gotten a little wiser with age. But this time I decided it is now or never....and I am going to make it now! I have been working out for two days now and I DO feel the pain!

I am on a quest to complete the Jillian Michaels: Ripped in 30.

WOW. This is going to be a little more difficult than I thought! But I will prevail! I will keep you all updated on my progress.

My goals are to be stronger, healthier, and have more energy.

"A year from now you will wish you had started today." Karen Lamb

Lion's Festival

...And this is how I spent MY 29th birthday! We took the kids to the local Lion's Festival and had a blast! Both Caleb and Addy are old enough to ride most of the rides now...and they loved them! We ate all kinds of wonderful, fried, yummy food....and then topped it off with caramel apples and cotton candy.

Extra Snuggles

Caleb asked me to cuddle a little with him tonight in his bed. Of course I very happily snuggled up right next to him. I am always up for a few extra hugs and kisses. Holding my not so baby- baby boy- in my arms made me a little teary eyed, I must admit. The snuggles from him are becoming fewer and further between, he is becoming so independent, and is growing just a little too fast for my preference. I cannot believe in less than a month he will officially be a kindergartner, heading off to school everyday, learning all kinds of new things, and exploring this big and amazing world. I could of held him forever, and I may just have if I didn't have to hook-up my IV meds for the night. Tonight was a great reminder for me to slow down, enjoy every single moment, and really take the time to cherish my time with my babies. Time just seems to pass us by so quickly!

Have I mentioned lately just how blessed I really am, and how much I love my family?! They really are my world and give me so much happiness. Pure, true, raw happiness.

Feeling better

Finally, I am starting to feel a little better. Medications are working, rest is helping, and I am so ready to be done with all of this....but not for another week and a half yet. 

Thank you for your prayers.

Things are looking up.

Sick again.

As much as I have tried my very best to avoid it, the time has come. I am once again on IV antibiotics at home. It all started last week when the oral antibiotics just weren't working anymore, my cough was getting worse, I was getting more and more fatigued, running low grade fevers...trust me when I say: it was time! I started the medication Thursday evening and everything went alright. I have taken both of the antibiotics before, so it shouldn't be a big deal, right? Wrong. I had a major reaction to the Meropenem. I got the chills so bad,was chattering away, and nothing would warm me up, all while running a fever well over 102. This continued throughout Friday and I felt (still do) horrible. Fevers, off and on with cold, clammy skin, nauseous, delirious, extreme body aches, I honestly felt horrible. Worse than I have ever felt in my whole life. My doctors and I seem to think that this is my body trying to fight off this horrible infection I have and I need to just push through these side effects. Fortunately, I am pushing through and have not had a fever in about 24 hours now....so I think I am over the worst of it. I will be on the IVs for the next two weeks, and hopefully will get off of them in time for my birthday! I am very blessed that I get to do them at home and not spend the next few weeks in the hospital.

So, I may not be on much and may not be answering my phone much either....but I am spending this time trying to really get well. I want to avoid it once again for as long as I can, hopefully all fall! Thank you for your prayers!