Friendships?

At what point in a relationship or friendship do you throw in the towel and accept that what once was, or what you once hoped it would become, is no longer? I have a few people that fall into this category in my life. Most of the relationship is one-sided. I make all of the effort and feel that I am more vested emotionally.

I make most, if not all of the phone calls. I write most, if not all of the e-mails. I make most, if not all of the attempt. I am the one holding the friendship together. Me of all people understand how busy life can get and how time can get away. On the other hand, I do not want to maintain relationships in my life that are solely reliant on only me keeping contact. Does this make any sense? I love people. I dearly love all of my friends and family in my life. Each one holds a special place in my heart. Some I know we will go months without talking, but can pick-up right where we left off when life calms down. I am not talking about these friendships, but the ones that I feel I am chasing. You know, the ones that I don't talk to ever unless I make the call. 

I guess the answer may be just that. If the relationship is that easy to walk away from, I should not be wasting my time on it and just accept that it wasn't meant to be. Right? I know that sometimes people just grow apart or were never that close to begin with. I know it is nothing to be taken personally, and that if it were meant to be, than it would be.

This is a serious question to my readers. I would love comments on this one! How do you handle one-sided friendships?

Oh my goodness. I just realized that in LESS thank a month, on June 12, my baby girl will be turning 4? Holy smokes. That is just unreal to me. Where has time gone?

In the middle of even some of the most difficult, trying times, there will still always be a reason to smile. I have never allowed myself to linger around in negative thinking for too long- life is way to short for that.

Have I ever mentioned how absolutely wonderful my husband is? He is my whole world (along with my kids of course), my very best friend, the perfect balance to complete me. In my last post I focused so much on me, that I neglected to mention that my whole family has been completely stressed. He has not been excluded from the chaos.

Bless his heart. My husband has worked his rear-end off to provide for our family. He is such a great man. He knows that most of the medical bills that come in are because of me, but has never said a word. Thinking of my husband brings a huge smile to my face. Our 8 year anniversary is coming up next month- and they have honestly been the best years of my life-hard times and all-because he has been standing by my side. I just love my man.

Other smile moments-Spending quality time with a great friend (who also happens to be my brother's girlfriend). She fits into our family so perfectly, she is family now. I love her like a sister and feel like I have known her my whole life. Good coffee + beautiful evening + girl talk = pure bliss.

Needless to say, my spirits have been lifted and I am now smiling large. Sometimes I can tend to get caught up in the little annoyances of life and forget about the true meaning: love, sharing happiness, laughter, family, friends, and just being grateful to be alive.

Other smiles include:

Watching my six year old son so proudly riding his bike without training wheels.

My daughter wrapping her little hands around my neck 30+ times a day, telling me that I am her best friend and just how much she loves me.

Giggles every night before bedtime reading silly stories and my kids begging for "just one more".

Tickling.

The warm sunshine and tons of water balloons!

And...the smell of freshly mowed grass being tracked across my kitchen floor by teeny-tiny little muddy feet (In search of another "Uncle Matt" red, white, and blue Popsicle).

Yes, life has thrown some curve-balls, but it has also gotten a few things right!

PS: My apologies for a PMS fueled, off the rocker rant yesterday. :)

Major Vent

So, it has been awhile. I guess I have avoided writing much since I feel like every time I do it is so depressing. I was recently given the advice to use my blog as a way to vent, or as a type of therapy. So I apologize in advance for this downer post and I hope it leads to so happier ones in the near future.

I have had a very, extremely rough year. It is safe to say that this has not been "my" year. There have been some happy times and blessings, but for the most part...it has been hard, very hard. I am not going to get into the nitty-gritty details....I do not have the energy too. I am going to vent about my most recent frustration, money.

I know they say that money cannot buy you happiness. That is very true. But unfortunately, money is needed for most things in life. I hate being buried under piles and piles of medical bills that I am unsure of how I will pay. I hate the very fact that I already have to deal with the everyday struggles of CF and I have to literally pay for it too. We are not at the point of "living under a bridge and eating crackers every night for dinner" broke, but life is hard right now. We are struggling to make ends meet. I need relief. I need a break. I feel like I can never get ahead. I do not have the money to even buy shorts that fit for the summer. I know that sounds so ridiculously petty, but it isn't when you work so hard to gain a few pounds and nothing fits.

I am trying my very best to live with a contagious smile of my face and to count my blessings daily...I really am. I thank God for somehow providing for us this far. Without him I do not know where I would be...but I am still waiting for a miracle. A random winning lottery ticket, a cancelled bill, a windfall of cash, something, ha ha! I know, I know. That is not how life works, but I sure do wish.

I feel like I have spent my whole life waiting for my turn. My turn to have it easy for awhile. My turn to not have the worry of money. I have never had it easy. I was raised in a home where money was not easily come by (and my parents worked their rear-ends off for our family, which I will forever admire). I have never really had the "finer" things in life. I am not even asking for that. I just want a little blessing. Some help. Someone to spoil me a little. It is hard to be invited to go out shopping with the girls and to not have any money to spend. It is hard to always be the broke one. Thank you freaking CF for doing this to me. Thank you for such expensive life sustaining medications that I cannot afford. Thank you for constant co-pays and Dr. fees. Thank you for expensive daily high calorie foods just to gain a half of a pound. Thank you for robbing my family of the money we could use to do something fun. Thank you for changing my bra size every other week. Thank you for taking all my money so I have to wear bras that do not fit. Thank you for the constant financial strain. Is it too much to ask for a break???!!!

Money is the root of all evil. I can see that. I guess I must be pure good because I do not have ANY evil.

My dream? To receive a few thousand dollars that I can just have fun with. Who doesn't want that? But in all reality if I ever did receive any money, I would have to pay bills with it. It makes me so sad. Is this life? I know it is for a lot of people, but I get so sick and tired of watching other's who can buy clothes, go shopping, take a day out with their family, etc. I am sick of watching cousins and friends who get help/money from parents, grandparents, etc. for college, car insurance, clothes, food, living, etc. Spoiled, un-thankful people who always have a bail out. I don't do drugs. I don't get into trouble. I have spent my whole life being good and trying my best. Is this my reward? Where is my bail out? I get so tired of hearing about how everyone else is getting help...but me. I know. Woe is me. At least I can say that I have worked my ass off for everything I own. I could cry. I feel like I got the shittiest hand when it comes to my personal life. But on the other hand, I got the best. I have two beautiful children full of love, a wonderful husband, friends and family to love me, and a roof over my head. I know to good that I have, but I just needed a selfish vent.
That is my vent for today. I have been in a lot of pain this weekend, so I am going to hobble up to my bed and take a nap. I like this venting thing, I think I am feeling better already.